Mixed emotions

Well, after two weeks of "doing the baby thing" i brought him in for a new placement today. This was my sister's decision to make, and while we have sure enjoyed having him, i could see where my sister was coming from, and even if it doesn't make sense on the surface, i can understand how it makes a difference for her and her healing. (Not sure if that all made sense). The hope is that when she's healed up, they'll put him back in her home.

My mixed emotions ~ i would've loved to keep him here, but we're quite committed to working hard with Brenden before completing our adoption, so i don't want to compromise too much of that when it's not necessary. I have been tired... besides having my nights broken up for feedings, etc. i've been fighting a cold for a while now... so that's made it a bit harder to function overall and i found myself spending quite a bit of time cuddling baby and caring for him (which is way more fun than housework anyway).

So when i dropped him off this morning, i was sad to leave him, and i cried when i got back to the van ~ lol. I knew i would. Then i felt the freedom, immediately followed by guilt for feeling free! How's that for confused emotions? I was out and about so often with baby that several times today while driving (i spent the rest of the day shopping ~ and enjoyed it), it felt strange/empty when i remembered there was no baby in the seat behind me.

I still think i have a heart for fostering, and now i've got another perspective. And of course it causes me to think about our adoption as well... lots of thoughts.

Well, i am super tired, need to do a little more program with Brenden (because i was gone all day), want to warm up with a hot bath, and then get to bed at a decent time.

Ahhh...