I talked with the person today who mentioned the possibility of a local adoption ~ he doesn't think that they have chosen someone else, but it sounds like they may be having a hard time with the decision, and might be reconsidering. We had almost put the idea behind us by now, but maybe we shouldn't do that just yet. Maybe it is still a possibility. Of course we'd be happy for them if they decided to keep the children (they are family after all), but i find myself wondering if this might be why we're feeling a bit like we're "on hold" for the time being. (And why we didn't make enough money at our garage sale to pay for a home study?? or win $5000?? lol).

I'd really like for Jonathan to have a better idea where he's at with his job/careers too... yesterday he was talking about going back to welding, possibly at a place where they might get him his journeyman's qualifications, at which point he could likely make it on his own quite well. If the farm would give him a $3/hr raise he might be happy to stay there ~ lol. (side note... i'd like to know how much the idea of organic dairy is still in his head/heart... either cows or goats). You know... there's a vacant farm nearby that doesn't seem to selling yet (and they've dropped the price), even though the housing market is going crazy around here ~ in some cases, houses selling for more than their listing price due to bidding wars... ??? God, where do YOU want us?

So much up in the air...

But today i had a picture of how i'm a bit like Peter who courageously stepped out onto the water, and as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus (faith), he stayed on top of the water, but when he began to look at the circumstances (reality) around him, he began to sink. I can't believe it took me this long to see this picture as it might relate to me. My intentions were not to take my eyes off of Jesus ~ i just wanted to be SURE without a shadow of a doubt that it was Jesus who told me to "come" (or adopt), and not just a brainwave that i came up with on my own. So when my brother emailed me about his concerns (mostly financial, but he threw in a few other things as well), i guess it was like he was telling me about the waves around me (all the possibilities that could seem difficult, trying, or ...impossible), and i decided to take another look. I know it wasn't his intention to take my eyes off of Jesus (one comment he made was that sometimes we want something so badly that we are sure it is God's will for us, so he was suggesting that we be sure), but maybe he hadn't seen Jesus in this picture yet??, and wanted to warn me of the waves?? Hmm...

So why am i still questioning God and asking for clarity? Where's the faith that I thought i had previously ~ believing that my healing will be completed as we move forward with the adoption stuff?? Well, maybe it's the fact that i recognize that faith "in faith" isn't enough (meaning, just because i decide to believe something doesn't mean it's going to happen/be that way)... while there is a lot of good to be said about positive thinking, positive thinking alone isn't going to hold me up on a chair with broken legs. ?? make any sense??

Well, in the midst of it all, I want to praise God! He knows what He's doing, He loves me in spite of myself, and even when/if things aren't clear, and might not make sense, I can rest in Him, trusting Him to work it all out for His glory. That's not to say i can passively sit and watch life go by while i "wait"... I believe He's given me things to do as i wait, and I don't want to miss those opportunities and blessings either...